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| am I doomed? Is there a girl out there somewhere that I'll be satisfied with and she'll feel the same way? Girls tend to do very hurtful things, whether they think so or not. Most of the time I think maybe it's aimed to be helpful, but it is incredibly painful and they don't understand. I know that it's stupid to say I'm destined to be lonely, because there are so many people who are in my position as well, but... well, i just don't think they've been in my shoes. Have they had the opportunity to spend time with so many beautiful and amazing people? Have they had their hearts taken and cherished and loved? Do they know what it's like for maybe just one second to feel contentment with themselves and the person they are with? I know it's possible, because it's happened in my life, but this morning, while I was lying in bed I was thinking to myself... maybe I should just give up, maybe I should just go on living my life and hope I'm never taken granted for again, hopefully someone special won't come to me. Then I tried to imagine my later years... which, for anyone that frequents my blog, knows that I have a very difficult time imagining myself in the future, 5 years maybe 10 years hopefully... 55+, no idea... I just can't see it, at all... it scares me because people can say, "when I retire..." and I can't say that because I don't think I'm going to retire, I'm not going to make it to that age, my mind and body don't want to do it I guess or my subconcience doesn't want to imagine that far ahead, I really don't know what my deal is, but I just know that I cannot think that far ahead. But anyways, to get back to my thought, laying in bed this morning, thinking maybe no one will ever come around again and in that sense I can be happy, but what happens 10 years from now when everyone in my life is married and has a family and I'm stuck feeling sorry for myself, feeling that I can't go back and ever get a chance with those 4-5 girls in my life whom I gave my heart to and they tore it up. It's not hard to find a girl, there are plenty of single girls out there, but no one wants a downgrade, but when I have had the opportunity to be with the girls I was with in my past, it raises my standards. I know I'm a great guy and deserve a great girl, but I know there's a specific type of girl out there who likes a guy like me and... well, those are the ones that are hard to come by. I'm going to get ready for work, but I assure you I'll be back soon. I'm frustrated with life and desperate to get things off my chest. I don't know if anyone out there even reads my blog... I know at one time I had quite the following, then I lost many, but I know there were still a few... but I haven't written in ages, so... Well, deep down I just hope I am not writing to myself. haha, okay, I'm outta here THANKS FOR LISTENING | | |
| I don't understand why I constantly chase the girls that break my heart. I've fallen for a girl that doesn't want to be with my because she would rather party all summer and not be tied down. When I think about this, I know I shouldn't be with her at all, why should I waste me time. But I'm addicted to her, all I want is a second chance with her and she might give it to me. She said she wanted the weekend to think about it. She says she's 50/50 whether she wants to be with me or not. She says it would be easy to make a decision if I wasn't so wonderful. The thing is, I AM wonderful. I've dated girls in the past and they've broke my heart, finding someone "better" then me or going back to an ex, or whatever... It's lowered my self esteem. My brain constantly thinks, theres someone better. So, why would a girl want to be with me anyways, when there is someone better?? Well, thing is now, I see those same girls that have broken my heart from "something better" haven't truly found it. I know a few of them are or might be considering taking me back or giving me another chance. I treat the people in my life with respect and that's all I want in return. I think the problem is, girls want what they can't have... When they get me and I give them all of my heart, it's too easy and they find a more difficult challenge. When they mature, they figure out that, in life, maybe it's not about the challenge, maybe it's not finding the "bad boy" or the guy that really knows how to party. Maybe, in the end, after college is done, after the parties get boring, after friends start moving on, maybe then it's time to go back to the guy you know will treat you right, the guy that will be honest and truthful with you, the guy that geniunely means it when he says he'll truly love you, the guy that would never cheat on you. That's who I am and that's what I stand for. So... why am I getting hung up on this girl, why do I so badly want to be with her when she only "half" wants to be with me. Why do I want to be with soemone who thinks I'm wonderful but doesn't really want to be with me? I don't know what to do... I just want to be happy... | | |
| Since when have things like honesty and trustworthiness become second rate traits to look for in a relationship. The girls I date would rather have someone that parties hard, is stictly social, egotysical, and beautiful, but at the same time they lie to them, call them fat, cheat on them, and don't put forth effort. Maybe I'm not the most handsome guy out there, maybe I'm not overly social and can't party 5 days a week, maybe I can love someone else more then I love myself, but I would NEVER cheat on a girl. I look out at the world and all I see are cheaters and fakers and I hate it, I hate so much to think that I'm the only honest person in this world. My motto is: Everyone cheat, everyone lies... except me, but in my case, I get shit on nonstop. My last girlfriend tells me I need to focus on myself more, falling in love with myself rather then someone else. Well how can I truly love the person I am when no one truly loves me. Girls say they love me, say they want to be with me, but then a few months later they magically don't want me anymore, they find someone better, or they need space. How am I suppose to look at that and say "Wow, Chris, you are an awesome person". My friends love me, but that's different. I know I'm a good person and I love my life and the people around me, but I just can seem to love myself when it comes to relationships and that won't change until someone gives me a chance and someone decides that, hey, maybe he's worth it, if I stay with him for a while, his attitude will change. I gotta go to work | | |
| The pursuit of happiness is lifelong. It's called the pursuit of happiness because no one can ever truly find happiness. We find things that make us happy, but nothing really keeps us happy. Finding that special someone doesn't mean you've found happiness, it means you've found someone can make you happy at times, but more importantly, someone to love, someone to support, someone to call your own. Being content with yourself and the people around you is the closest you can get to pure happiness. The pursuit of contentment... It's a thing in your life you can achieve. You can get to a point in your life where the things you've achieved, the people you've met, and the material items you've acquired give you a sense of contentment and in that way, you can be happy. Sure, you can't say you're happy all the time and maybe you're still out there trying to fulfill that urge to be happy, but the contentment in your life keeps you satisfied. People need to understand that life will never be perfect and happiness is something you will never truly find. Finding yourself comes in different forms and at different times, it's not something you can do overnight and it's not something you'll ever totally achieve, you build upon yourself and the people around you, your support, they only help you become a stronger person. If you surround yourself with the wrong people, the wrong influencers, you slowly forget who you are and what you stand for, as others grow, you lack. I'm not desperate to find that special someone, I'm not. I would rather find someone perfect for me, someone who complements me. I'm 24 years old, I've had 8 "meaningful" relationships. One lasted 3 years, the rest 3-6 months. In all but one situation, I've ended up dumped for someone else or her needing space. It's not the fact that it hurts to always be second, but more or less the fact that no one needs me. When I date someone, I use them a support, when I'm feeling down or questions something or need to make a decision I go to her, for her opinion or guidance. I can feel content easily and I understand that she's not perfect and never will be, but that I can be content. I'm not a mean person and in fact, I'm a nice guy... I know nice guys finish last and that's truly not a saying. I don't understand why I continually put myself through the pain of being second best. You know, I honestly feel like I am the only person in the world you hasn't cheated. I don't lie. I'm probably one of the most honest guys a girl will ever meet. I'm genuine, I don't hurt just to hurt and I would never physically hurt someone. Girls don't see this... or maybe they honestly don't want a guy like me. Maybe they like being hurt, maybe they like being cheated on.. I know myself and when I committ myself, I stick to it... Most people can't say that. It really freaks me out, just the number of people in this world that cheat, sometimes once, sometimes multiple times. It's this stupid pursuit of happiness. Everyone thinks its greener on the otherside and maybe it is. Maybe he's a badass or maybe he speaks a language you love or looks like the "perfect" guy or maybe you were with him in the past or whatever it is that makes you temporarily happy. Maybe it's the rush of feeling those extreme ups and downs, one day you can be happy to the max, but the next day your sad. I'm not the type of person that goes for your bestfriend or goes back to my old girlfriends or look for a good lay while I'm dating. I commit because that's how I would like to be treated in return. I'm just looking for contentment. Someone to trust. Someone to spend time with, that wants the same in return. Someone I know I can be with and I understand that I won't always be completely happy, but maybe that's not what matters in the end. | | |
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